The 2016 Schedule: One Sentence Predictions


The 2016 Auburn football season is nigh, so it’s time to predict the outcome of each game in nearly the shortest way possible. People used to read, then that took too long. Then people tweeted, but now 140 characters is too much for some people. Now we just like looking at pictures.

Well, for the sixth straight season I’ll make it quick and tell you what will happen by only using one sentence per game. Can you at least carve out enough time for that, millennials? Maybe I can snap you my prediction next year, but this year, just read 12 sentences. Got 12? Ok whatever, let’s go.

Screen Shot 2016-08-20 at 4.50.38 PM– In 2010, I predicted that Auburn would go 11-0 in the regular season with a toss-up against Alabama. Auburn went 12-0 in the regular season.

– In 2011, I predicted that Auburn would go 9-2 in the regular season with a toss-up against Alabama. Auburn went 7-5 in the regular season.

– In 2012, I vowed to never pick another Auburn loss because of the results of 2010. I did just that and Auburn won 3 games.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

– In 2013, I went less homer, but maybe full homer, and picked a 9-2 regular season with a toss-up against Alabama, and the Tigers went 11-1.

– In 2014, I picked Auburn to go 11-0 in the regular season with a toss-up against Alabama. Auburn went 7-4 in the regular season. Maybe I should stop picking undefeated seasons.

– In 2015, I bought into the hype that never came to fruition. What are you gonna do? Everybody believed, then 3 little things (Duke, Jeremy, Carl) happened, and the season wasn’t what we wanted.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but in the previous six years, I’ve predicted seasons of undefeated, two defeats, undefeated, two defeats, undefeated, undefeated. So last year I should’ve picked two defeats, meaning this year I’m supposed to pick an undefeated season. Will I do it? Have a look.

Sept. 3 – Clemson – High profile night games in Jordan-Hare including an opponent of decent caliber usually don’t end well for that opponent, regardless of the last game they played in.
Worry level: 10. Score: Auburn 38, Clemson 35

Sept. 10 – Arkansas State – Gus’s old team returns for a nice little beating, as John Franklin III has a coming out party.
Worry level: 3. Score: Auburn 41, Arkansas State 17

Sept. 17 – Texas A&M – The Aggies play a little better than they should, but this time there is no butt-fumble.
Worry level: 7. Score: Auburn 28, Texas A&M 20

Sept. 24 – LSU – In another late night game in Jordan-Hare, the crowd and Auburn’s defense stops the Heisman candidate for the first time in the season.
Worry level: 8. Score: Auburn 30, LSU 27

Oct. 1 – UL-Monroe – The team that beat Nick Saban’s Alabama ain’t walkin’ through that door!
Worry level: 2. Score: Auburn 38, UL-Monroe 7

Oct. 8 – at Mississippi State – The cheating cowbells are the only thing that will keep this one sort of close, in a game that is reminiscent of the 2010 meeting.
Worry level: 5. Score: Auburn 24, Mississippi State 14

Oct. 22 – Arkansas – All the revenge for the 4OT loss from 2015 is exacted all over Big Bert’s face as Gus scores one late just because.
Worry level: 6. Score: Auburn 34, Arkansas 17

Oct. 29 – at Ole Miss Kerryon Johnson scores on a play that was setup to kick a game-winning field goal as time expires.
Worry level: 8. Score: Auburn 27, Ole Miss 21

Nov. 5 – Vanderbilt – The game is in Auburn, and Vanderbilt doesn’t appear to be setup for their best season in history, so Auburn will win in a pretty easy one.
Worry level: 4. Score: Auburn 31, Vanderbilt 10

Nov. 12 – at Georgia – The Dawgs’ questions still linger late into the season as Kirby Smart is still figuring this thing out, letting Auburn win in Athens for the first time since 2005.
Worry level: 9. Score: Auburn 34, Georgia 21

Nov. 19 – Alabama A&M – Their band is pretty cool.
Worry level: 1. Score: Auburn 52, Alabama A&M 7

Nov. 26 – at Alabama In a down year for the Tide, the Tigers have a shot in hostile Tuscaloosa.
Worry level: 10. Score: N/A

Did I just pick Auburn to go undefeated? I did. Why? Because it’s mathematically intelligent. Picking Auburn to win every game means their record will equal my picking percentage. That just makes it easier to figure it out at the end of the season. See? Smart.

Now give you me your predictions and/or tell me how smart I am in the comments section below.